We’ve just completed Week 9 on the forum that deals with PEOPLE PLEASING and CONTROL. If you find yourself reaching for food because of stress and turmoil in your relationships then this week might clear up a lot of issues for you. Please have a look at my 12 Week Online Program to find out more.
Here is a previous post I wrote that goes well with this week’s lesson:
This past weekend I was reminded that self-control and controlling other people can not co-exist in my life. I was getting anxious about situations in our family and fell back into my old pattern of controlling people and circumstances.
Of course I’m pretty good at “whipping” everything and everybody into shape, but things started unraveling fast inside of me. I was restless. I wanted to eat all sorts of things and I was avoiding God.
Fortunately I’ve learned, through much tears and many heartaches, to recognize these patterns in myself.
So I was back at the drawing board with God:
The Bible clearly says that self-control is part of the Fruit of the Spirit and “should” thus be part of every spirit filled Christian’s life. According to John 15 we will bear much fruit (including self-control) if we are plugged into the vine (Jesus). So having self-control means staying close to God, OBEYING GOD, and daily asking the Holy Spirit to fill us and give us control of ourselves.
However, no where in the Bible will you find any kind of command or even an indication that we are suppose to control other people and circumstances.
Now if you are immediately thinking “I’m not a control-freak” you might want to first read the following to make sure:
Controlling can be blatant or subtle. Trying to please people and keep everybody happy doesn’t seem like control, but by always pleasing others we actually try to control the way they see us, or even what they think of us.
Controlling others has a nasty side affect: It robs us of our self-control. If we learn to give the people and things that we can not really control over to God, we have enough peace to build and work on our relationship with God and as a result we see the fruit of the Spirit show up in our lives..
You girls know me by now: I want to know how it works in real life!
I’m seeing how every time I choose to give control over to God, I have more peace, more time (by not obsessing about others) and more self control.
Try it…next time you feel like controlling or pleasing someone else, ask God what you’re suppose to do. Something like this “Am I suppose to control/please this person Lord? Which part of this is my job and which is Your job?”
Okay, so I know it’s not that easy: What do you do with the anxiety, the pain and the stress surrounding the relationships you are currently trying to control?
Women have so much more stress that’s related to relationships than men. We want to fix everyone’s problems and keep everybody happy. But at what price? We loose control of our own lives!
One of the things I found that works wonders for this kind of stress: Girl friend time!
Get into a group or ask God to help you find friends with whom you can be real. I found that it’s easier to join a woman’s Bible study or a support group. The kind of”realness” that we all desperately need usually starts in these kind of groups, and lots of times it flows over into lifetime friendships.
God gave us each other, and nobody understands the needs, stress and worries of a woman like another woman. Please find a place where you can talk about the stress in your relationships.
Most women I know constantly put their own needs and wants on the back burner. So I guess it’s almost “normal”, but it doesn’t mean that we can keep doing it without damage to our lives. Our anxiety sometimes reach such high levels that we start looking around for a crutch such as food, alcohol, pornography or drugs.
Do you feel that you have little or no self-control left?
Please have a look at your relationships and circumstances. You might have the best of intentions in controlling people and circumstances, but it still robs you from the ability to control your own self.
Find a quiet place today where you can think and talk to God about control. If you give the control back to God you will feel peace come back to your life. In the light of that peace, you will be able to talk to Him more openly, and He will tell you why He created you in the first place
Don’t think for one minute that this is selfish. The most wonderful gift you can give your family and friends is to start taking care of your own wants and needs (spiritual, emotional and physical). If you do that, you will regain your self-control and will be able to sow love into their lives without controlling them.
I don’t say this lightly. I have to remind myself daily that by controlling others I am robbing myself of self-control. I need all nine parts of the fruit of the Spirit desperately in my life, so I keep giving the control that belongs to God back to Him…
From a ex control-freak
Heleen
Here are some resources for you:
Posted 7 months ago at 8:25 am. Add a comment
We are a group of more than 30 ladies walking out a 12 week journey on the forum. It’s not too late to join in or just read along. Here is a link to the Members Forum.
If you are not a member you might be interested to click here for my FREE EBOOK: “God will I ever be free?”
Click here if you want more information on becoming a member: 12 Week Online Program for women who struggle with eating disorders and food addiction
This week (Week 5) we’re talking about Exercise. Here’s a re-post that deals with one of the most important issues surrounding exercise – WE HAVE TO EXERCISE FOR HEALTH – NOT WEIGHT LOSS!
I know exercise might not be your favorite topic, it’s not mine either, but let’s face it: Spring is in the air and our bodies are itching to get moving, even if our minds are still glued to the couch!
My battle in this area is no secret, so fortunately I don’t have to pretend with you ladies. For many, many moons exercise in my book meant only one thing: TORTURE!
Every time I started using exercise to get rid of some unwanted rolls around my mid section, I found myself despising it with a passion. I would get up in the morning and mumble to myself “This is just not natural, nobody does this, I must be crazy…” Weekends were even worse… who would want to “spoil” a weekend with exercise?
WHEN YOU EXERCISE TO LOSE WEIGHT:
1. You might use exercise as a dangerous method to “purge” after a binge
2. It might become part of your “diet-routine”, so you only do it when you’ve gained weight but you never seem to keep it up.
HOWEVER, IF YOU EXERCISE FOR YOUR HEALTH THINGS CAN CHANGE RAPIDLY!
Come on…change with me…let’s do it to have more energy, feel healthier, have more confidence, enjoy our kids, dance with our husbands, have glowing skin and shiny hair!
Their are so many benefits to exercise. One of it is weight loss, but don’t let it be the reason you do it girl, IT IS NOT A LASTING INCENTIVE!
Think outside the box. Why settle for the ordinary? If you dig a little deeper you might find a tennis player, a swimmer, a runner, or a salsa dancer hiding in your heart.
Do it for the glory of God! Let it be your sacrifice of praise!
Moving for Christ!
Heleen
Posted 8 months, 1 week ago at 7:12 am. 1 comment
Did you hear about the new statistic that links attending church with obesity?
I was both sad and angry when I heard the anchor person say on the news last night that “church might be good for the soul, but it might not be so good for the waist line” She went on to describe how research has shown a greater weight gain in people who attend church at least once a week than those who don’t.
I can’t say that I was surprised about this announcement, but I sure was angry at the devil for humiliating the church like that, and I was sad for the thousands of Christians who struggle with their weight.
I have written a lot on this subject so I’m adding one of my earlier articles below. It’s a bit long, but something I think every Christian should be aware of.
Please Read:
I recently stumbled upon an article “Lard have Mercy: The Christian obesity epidemic”.
It was very interesting and although the author sadly showed an obvious prejudice towards Christians, I couldn’t help but agree with some of the points being made. The author based the article on Ferraro’s most recent study, published in the June 2006 issue of the Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, a follow-up to a study he published in 1998, where he found there were more obese people in states with larger populations of folks claiming a religious affiliation than elsewhere, particularly in states with the most Baptists.
I grew up in a Christian home, and I love the church, but even I can not shut my eyes to the fact the we have grown, to put it mildly, “bigger” over the years. Now of course this problem is widespread. Everybody knows by now that obesity has become an epidemic in America with more than half of the populations suffering from this. So the church has not been isolated in it’s denial of the eminent dangers associated with obesity.
The truth is that we as Christians did, for a long time, tolerate the sin of gluttony in our midst. I grew up seeing a lot of overweight people in church, including the pastors, and I never even gave it a second thought. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way condemning overweight people, that would make me a hypocrite seeing that I have struggled with food for many years, and still have to fight off the enemy in this area.
I’m afraid the church’s denial of this problem didn’t help though. We don’t allow alcohol at our meetings, and preach against the dangers of drunkenness. Some congregations have even switched to grape juice for communion to not give alcoholics the opportunity to stumble. All kinds of addiction programs sprung up over the years, and we have reached out a hand to help people overcome these. Pastors do their part by preaching against the lusts of the flesh that the Bible warns of. However, for a very long time, we ignored the fact that food can also become an idol; something to numb pain and help you deal with life; a drug of choice.
Until a few years back I found it so hard to keep my food addiction at bay while being actively involved in church. It is true that we can not pin it all on the church, then we will be no different than the people blaming MacDonalds for their obesity. But we also have to wake up to the truth that to beat obesity in our generation will take a team effort. Yes, individuals need to change, and families need to take a hard look at their lifestyles, but big institutions and government agencies have a role to play in winning this war against obesity. So the church can’t just passively sit by, refusing to change with the times.
It is true that the church, like the rest of the world, gather around food for all occasions. Granted at a secular party there would be alcohol too, but there will always be room for rich food and decadent desserts on the menu. Likewise, every meeting and gathering at the church have been a place for the ladies to bring their best dishes to the table, and best would hardly ever equal healthy in years past. In fact, if I brought a plate of vegetables to a church function a few years back, nobody would probably eat it, and I would have opened myself up for some serious criticism.
Have things changed? I think so. We’re getting there, slowly but surely, just like everybody else. There are more fruit, vegetables and healthy dishes at the meetings these days. It’s still fun to gather around food, and lots of times our meetings are right at lunch or dinner time anyway. However, our church gets it meals delivered from Subway these days.
There is also an awakening in many churches to the fact that God made us to move. Many churches have added gyms to their complexes, and some small groups are dedicated to help people get fit and loose some weight.
In recent years many books have been written to help Christians get their weight under control and programs such as First Place have been gaining popularity with their excellent material and support groups.
So I do think the church are realizing that our casual take on overeating is not good for us and it’s hurting our children. However, we still have a long way to go. Not everybody is convinced, and one can’t help but wonder why not, if all the evidence are on the table. Can it be that the love for food has become too big to let go of the rich decadent dishes? Also, habits don’t change over night and certain food became part of our traditions, making it all the more difficult to let it go. But I, for one, will encourage people to grieve these “food traditions” and start new traditions in order to save their lives and the lives of their children.
I am joining many Christians in the war against obesity in the church. If you are a Christian struggling with food, my heart goes out to you. It is not an easy struggle, in fact it can be very lonely in a church where people don’t talk about it and still pile the tables high with rich, fatty foods.
You can find help on my website that I created especially for women and moms dealing with eating disorders and food addiction. Make no mistake, it’s not just people with anorexia and bulimia who have an eating disorder. Anybody who doesn’t eat in a normal, healthy way needs help in this area. Come see for yourself, it’s online so you can do this program in the safety of your own home and at your own pace.
I must admit that after I heard that “proclamation” on TV last night, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me again to bring my own “crutches” that I’ve picked up recently and lay them down. The world is watching us, and the fact is, we do have the answer; His name is JESUS and he came to set the captives free!
In His Love,
Heleen
Posted 10 months, 1 week ago at 12:02 pm. 2 comments
I wanted to share this excerpt out of the new Breaking Free Bible Study by Beth Moore with you:
“God has reserved momentous victories and great rewards for us. But we’ll never make it to our milestones if we cant’ make through our moments“
Isn’t that so true?
We set these milestones and we even have faith for it – but then we get to that ‘MOMENT”, that excruciating moment of temptation or weakness, and we cave… and then we lose hope…
SO HOW DO WE GET THROUGH OUR WEAK MOMENTS?
Beth goes on to say that 2 reasons exist that we don’t take the “exit” God offers in our weak moments (1 Cor 10:13)
1. We don’t want to
2. We don’t feel like we deserve to
We have to ask God in that MOMENT:
“God I don’t want to stop eating, but please change my WANT TO”
or
“God I don’t think I deserve healthy food/taking care of my body, but please help me see that I am a princess of the only true King and I do deserve it”
If you have been following along on our MEMBERS FORUM, you will know that I am struggling at this time in my life with “keeping my mouth under control”. Our family life has become very challenging because (as I mentioned before) my husband and I have a few businesses that we now run from home, and I’m still homeschooling two of my kids. So I tend to lose my temper and reach for some unhealthy snacks in those very stressful or weak moments during the day.
Sometimes it’s totally a “I just don’t want to” thing like Beth mentioned, and I’ve been crying out to God to change my heart’s desires in those times.
However, sometimes I even “want to”, and plan to do the right thing, but when I get to that MOMENT… I just DON’T!
Paul speaks about this struggle in his own life, and he concludes that it is indeed ONLY GOD who can saves us and help us overcome in those times.
So what can we do if we even want to do the right thing, but we DON’T?
I will tell you about the only thing that has worked for me even in the hardest of times:
I have to recognize that my thoughts of “it doesn’t matter” or “what difference does it make” in those weak moments is LIES OF THE ENEMY. He knows my weakness and he will present those lies to me every time I feel stressed or weak – FOR AS LONG AS I BELIEVE IT TO BE JUST MY OWN LITTLE THOUGHTS.
So we have to first of all SPOT THE LIES – those are not your thoughts, and most certainly NOT YOUR WANTS – and then RUN INTO GOD’S PRESENCE. Listen girl, you will only find victory in those weak moments if you get out of that situation and find a place to pray. Rebuke the enemy and read those note cards with God’s truth out loud so your ears can hear the truth. The Bible says that in God’s presence the veil is stripped away, and as we look into the truth of His Word, we are changed (Go read this in 2 Corinthians 3: 16-18)
But what if you have 20 weak moments a day?
Don’t worry, even though daily time in God’s presence is the only way to remain free, you will not have to run and pray 20 times a day for the rest of your life. BUT FOR NOW – LET’S FACE IT – THAT MIGHT BE WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
If you feel yourself going around in that cycle of making promises to yourself to do better, even wanting to do better, and then failing every day at that same weak moment… THEN IT’S TIME TO SURRENDER YOURSELF TO GOD, RESIST THE ENEMY, AND HE WILL FLEE FROM YOU (James 4:7)
Please go read again WEEK 2 and WEEK 11 of my 12 Week Online Program for women with eating disorders if you have forgotten (or didn’t realize) that you’re not just fighting your own FLESH but also a very real enemy. I talk about these issues in greater detail there, and also give you some tools to find victory in those weak moments.
The following passage of Scripture underlines it all:
1 Peter 5:6-10 (New International Version, ©2011)
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
In His Love
Heleen
PS: I highly recommend Beth Moore’s Bible Study “Breaking Free“ – it is life changing! Find a group near you or start a small group yourself, it is so much more effective if you do it with the accountability of other women.
Posted 10 months, 3 weeks ago at 9:30 am. 4 comments
So with Valentines day upon us, I thought it would be good to write a little about my own love story.
I haven’t written a lot about me and Tony (the love of my life:) probably because this blog is more about helping women with their food struggles than it is about marriages.
However, every February I tend to wander a bit onto the path of love…
I have been a lucky girl for sure. God knew I needed Tony. All of the things that I desire deeply in my own life: self-control, patience, and endurance just come so “natural” to him. I’m the high maintenance one in the relationship, so I got the better end of the deal, I’m sure:)
We will be married 20 years in 2012 – so almost 20 years of good times and definitely bad ones as well. We moved across continents and raised four children together (well technically we’re still busy raising some of those young ones) And then recently we’ve been thrown into a total different ball game ( by the economy and God’s plan of course) when we started up a brand new business at home. Some days I have to hang on to my sanity for dear life – homeschooling, phones are ringing, emails are coming in, work needs to be done, orders need to be processed, laundry, dinner, quiet time, exercise…well basically just a normal day in the life of a working mom:)
During times like these romance sort of fades into the background, and it bothers me. So I do what any decent Christian woman would do – I whine, and then I cry, and then I pout, and then I threaten, and FINALLY I cry out to God… and what do you know… He always first start with my heart. A pinch of gratefulness, an ounce of respect for my man, and a heap of forgiveness.
When we’re done with phase one (aka working on Heleen) God will surprise me with a sudden burst of laughter between me and my guy, or some secret we get to share, some inspiration for a project we can do together, some book that comes our way, or some marriage seminar that I “stumble” upon. He’s even been known to draw us into in-dept marriage counseling at times … and ever so miraculously… the “spark” comes back.
How’s your marriage doing?
Listen girl, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH OUR GOD. He holds the universe in His hands. He created love between a man and a woman. We can not bring the “spark” back into our marriages by whining, crying, or threatening. Believe me, I’ve tried it all. We can not let our husbands be responsible for our happiness or our wholeness. We can also not expect our marriage to be exactly like our friends’ marriages, and definitely not like the fake marriages we see in movies or read about in books.
God may want to restore your heart first before he restores your marriage. Granted, He may need to restore your husband’s heart too, but why don’t you allow him to start with your heart. This quote of Oswald Chambers sums it up perfectly ” No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first”
However, when we’ve allowed God to heal us and fill us with His love, we can also ask Him to restore and heal our marriages. He knows exactly what is needed to put the “spark” back in your marriage. It might be a good book, a good laugh, a marriage seminar, OR it might be something you and I never thought of. Go ahead and ask Him…HE IS STILL IN THE BUSINESS OF HEALING BROKEN PEOPLE AND RESTORING BROKEN MARRIAGES!
Tony and I – 19 Years ago on our wedding day
Not so young anymore (but still in love:) – this picture was taken last Christmas
Here are some of the resources that helped us through the years:
Laugh your way to a better marriage by Mark Gungor (Book)
Laugh your way to a better marriage by Mark Gungor (DVD Series)
Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Check Focus on the Family‘s Website for a possible Love and Respect Seminar in your area.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley
Fireproof (DVD)
The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective by Martha Peace
There are obviously many more resources out there, and if you ask God to show you the possibilities are endless…
Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!
Heleen
augh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage
Posted 12 months ago at 9:07 pm. Add a comment
